A City of Strangers

Stephen Sondheim wrote the following lyrics in his musical comedy Company, referring to how people in New York City could seem like complete strangers. "It's a city of strangers / Some come to work, some to play. / A city of strangers / Some come to stare, some to stay / And every day / The ones who stay / Can find each other in the crowded streets and the guarded parks..." Those lyrics have been lingering in my head for the past several days, which is making me realize that everyone in New York is a stranger, although it may not seem that way because we ride the subway or walk down the same avenues, but in fact we are strangers.

In a city where we're all on time schedule, heading towards a certain destination, how does one connect with another person? The connection that I'm talking about isn't a romantic one, but more on the friendship level. How does someone befriend an adult? I've been trying to figure that out every since I arrived.

It's not like it was when we where in the third grade when all it took to become friends with someone was as simple as just asking, "do you want to be friends?" And the reply was always the same, "Sure." When we were kids we weren't guarded or jaded. We said what was on our minds and we didn't apologize for it. I long for those days. The simpler days. The days when text messages weren't the only way to communicate with friends. The days when hanging out meant exactly that, hanging out; there wasn't a double meaning behind the phrase. 

I was on the subway a few weeks ago, I didn't have my iPOD with me and so I just sat there. In one of the stops two gay guys strolled in laughing. They sat across from me and I was instantly intrigued by them, so I did what any normal person would do in my iPOD-less situation, I ease-dropped. I believe they noticed and I don't think they cared. One had a killer laugh and the other a cute body; at one point they began talking about New York real estate, the one with the cute body was cracking jokes about the market and the one with the killer laugh was filling the subway car with his laugh. I too was chuckling. I felt like I had known both them for years. And that's when it dawned on me; I wanted to be friends with these two guys. But I nipped that crazy idea in the bud when the insecure voice in my heard started saying, "they're going to laugh in your face," or "their friend card is already filled." So I didn't say anything and watched them get off the train two stops before I was. 

This happened several weeks ago and I wished I had said something, because they both seem like great guys who I could've been friends with. If I ever see them on the subway again, I will make sure that we're not strangers because I will ask them if they want to be my friend and hope their reply is, "sure." 

A Crossroad

Robert Frost once wrote, "Two roads diverged in a wood / And I took the one less traveled by / And that has made the difference." Sometimes in life we chose to go down roads that we think are the right ones. We see down that path and everything looks clear and bright, but then as time goes on, we come to the realization that we should've taken the other road, the road that was traveled by the rest. I've come to the conclusion that the road less traveled, the one I've been on, isn't as wonderful as Frost has painted it.

I'm currently at a crossroad in my life. Recently moved to New York. Recently graduated from graduate school. Currently looking for a job. When people ask me what I do, I like to sat that I'm a freelance writer; it makes me sound less pathetic and more independent. The crossroad that I'm currently on is leading me to reevaluate my life and the choices that I have made up to this point. I no longer have the safety net that school provided and that's frightening. It's something we all face when we graduate school, that uncertainty if things are going to be all right. While being in school I missed out on life experiences that everyone else was getting. And just today it dawned on me that having life experience is better than having two degrees. Who knew? No one told me; apparently my e-mail was lost somewhere in cyber land. I've been applying for numerous jobs and when I get to the skill section of the application, I have to pause, take a deep breath, and I ponder what skills do I really have? There's no box provided to check that I know how to write a well-structured play. Even the theatre jobs that I've been applying for don't want me, I'm not an ideal candidate because I'm lacking the LIFE EXPERIENCE!

My friend Adam gave me the best advice the other day, "anything you want in this city you have to find for yourself." That's exactly what I'm going to do now. I'm going to have to just put myself out there one-hundred-percent. I think people in New York forget what it's like to struggle when one first arrives to the city. When someone is clearly asking for help they don't want to extend a hand, they figure they should also struggle like they once did.

On a chipper note, I really do love living in New York. Last Friday night, I was walking by Columbus Circle and I looked up at the Time-Warner building and I got chills. I live here. I really do live here. And it's incredible! One of my dreams has come true - I always yearned to live in New York and now it's finally happened.

I'm not going to lie and say that it's been an easy transition because it's been rough. But there has been some amazing days though; like sitting in Central Park with Adam collaborating on a new project, to drinking sangria with Lauren and Elizabeth at Odessa Cafe in the Lower East Side, to witnessing an amazing play like August: Osage County, or my favorite passing out KY lube to all the gays for gay pride (yeah that was actually my first job - and yeah I got paid for it). Some days have been lonelier than others, but I know that I'm not alone because I have a strong group of friends who are there when I need them.

Overall, this road that I'm currently striding along is something that I'm never going to regret. This is home. This is where I belong. And this is where I'm going to make it. Hope is the last thing that dies, according to my grandma. I've always been a hopeful person; even when things get dark, there always seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel and that's where the hope lies.

I Could Have Danced All Night

I've had a love hate relationship with the gay scene ever since I came out almost ten years ago. It's always the same scenario; the same boys with the same trendy clothes, the same music playing, the same expensive drinks, nothing's new-but yet I still go. I'm like a moth to a flame attracted to the scene. Why do I go back, week after week? Why do we all go back, week after week?  What's the force that attracts all of us to the club? It's not the expensive drinks, it's not the loud music, could it be the go-go boys or the cute shirtless bartender?  Maybe. But it has to be more than that. I wonder how long will this last? Can I continue doing this when I'm thirty-five, or let's say forty. Hopefully by then I'll be in a long-term relationship and I won't have to worry about going to the club, but what if I'm not that long-term relationship. I do have friends who are in their late thirties, early forties, who are single and they go to the club week after week. I just don't see myself doing that. I just can't.  

For me the reason that I go to the club has always been the hope that I could potentially meet that great guy. I know it sounds ludicrous to think that I could meet someone at a club, but I have friends who that's happen to.  

Anyone who's ever been to the club, knows how things work. Around two in the morning,  like clockwork, most of us begin scoping out all the guys. To figure out who were going to go to bed with. I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing, because sex with a stranger can be really hot, once in awhile, but it gets old when you're looking for something more substantial than that. It also comes with the territory, Las Vegas is a very transient city, just last night I was out with my friends and we met a guy who's name escapes me right now, but he was from Amsterdam, so we called him "Amsterdam" the rest of the night, and I could tell that he really wanted to get laid. I'm pretty sure he did get lucky; he was good-looking guy with a cute body and had a thick accent, which was hard to understand through the loud pounding music.

I wonder can you really find something that will surpass a one-night only at the club? At this point in my life, the cynical me, says no. But I could be completely wrong.

Getting back to last night, I had the best time with my friends. It was amazing because we were all there enjoying each other's companies, dancing the night away, getting a little drunk, not really looking to hook-up. At least for me, that's when I have the best time; when I'm there to enjoy myself. If I start paroling then it turns out to be a horrible night. But not last night, last night was one of those nights when you look back you remember how great it was. Two of my close friends were not present because they were working, but they were there in spirit.

I'm really thankful that I have these boys in my life. This is what I've always wanted, and it really saddens me that I'm going to have to leave them when I partake on my next adventure. When I finally get what I've always wanted I'm going to lose it. I know I'm being a little melo-dramatic right now, but my hope is that we'll always be in each other's life. But only time will tell.

Vegas Boys: (from L-R) Richard, Oscar, Mike, Jason, Robert, Rob, & Ace.