My Single-Self

If going to the bar meant to meet other single-eligible-attractive-men then why is that guys who are in relationships go? I understand that they have to co-exist in bars with me and that they have the same needs as single guys do; which is to consume voluminous amounts of alcohol and mingle with other attractive guys. But when they check me out when their partner is not in their presence is something that I'm not okay with.

Several weeks ago, I went to my neighborhood bar Albatross with my roommate to get a couple of drinks to celebrate my new found employment (which I currently have a hate-love relationship with). After six frustrating weeks of being unemployed in the city, I had finally found someone who hired me, so it was time to drink away the money that I'd soon be earning.

As we walked into the bar, there was this statuesque guy (and I take note on taller guys because I want to date someone who's taller than me - 6 feet or taller is my requirement) he was playing pool (brownie points) and then the statuesque guy looked and smiled at me several times (my heart belonged to him). I pictured us having Thai dinner at some trendy restaurant on 9th Avenue, then dancing the night away at Star Lounge underneath the Chelsea Hotel, and then sharing a cab ride back to Astoria as we figured who's place we'd spend the night at. But I was brought back to reality when his extremely good looking boyfriend (who mind you was shorter than him by six inches) came in after having smoked a cigarette and kissed him. I hated them both; the statuesque guy for checking me out and his extremely good looking boyfriend for being boyfriends with the statuesque guy. As the night progressed and I continued drinking my gin and tonic, I realized what a cute couple they made and my hatred for both of them grew stronger.

Last night while riding the subway home, I pulled my black leather bound notebook from my purse and made a list of all my close/best-friends that are coupled. And the numbers stunned me. Out of that list 11 out of 15 close/best-friends are either married, engaged, or have been together for a long time. And 4 out of the 15 are SINGLE! All my close/best-friends are COUPLED! What does that say about me? Do I secretly long to be in a relationship that I surround myself with other people who are in relationships in the hopes that one day I too will be in a relationship? Am I unconsciously putting this into the universe?

Last week I hung out with my favorite newly form couple, Eric and Milo. I met Eric through a mutual friend from California. She got us in contact when she found out that I was moving to New York and said we'd hit it off, and boy was she right. When I first met Eric he had just started dating Milo, now almost three months later they're practically living together in Astoria.

"We're like lesbians," joked Eric. "You know lesbians go rent a UHAL on their second date." He told me over happy hour drinks at ATE Ave, several weeks ago. Then last week Milo invited me over to have dinner with them. By the way, Milo is an amazing chef. (I told him if he had a gay twin, to which he laughed and ignored my question, which annoyed me because I was totally being serious). Eric and Milo are one of those couples that still give me hope that everyone does in fact have someone out there.

Then on the other side of the relationship spectrum is Adam and Christov who will be celebrating their fourth anniversary on September 2nd (if I'm correct). And four years translates to eight years in gay years (everything gets doubled). Their relationship keeps growing stronger and stronger each day, and I admire them for it. Hopefully one day I too can have what Adam and Christov or what Eric and Milo have. Someone who'll be there through thick and thin. And isn't that what we all want - to be with someone and not end up alone?

Both of these couples are a perfect example of what I surround myself with every day. Even when I lived in Vegas it was the same thing; I lived with a married couple, my favorite collaborator and close friend is married, three of my close gay guy friends are or were in long-distance relationships.

For the most part I have never felt like a third wheel with any of my coupled friends, but when I witness them stealing a glance from each other, or finishing each other's thoughts, or eating from each other's plates; I glance at the empty seat next to me and wonder when is it going to be my turn? When am I going to do all those things with someone? When am I going to be a couple? The answer that I always give myself is, "soon...real soon...he's out there...be patient...keep on dating...you'll find him...you'll find him..."

...whether I believe all of that or not, is a different story...