To all the individuals who’ve had the courage to come out.
And to my generous friends who’ve shared their stories with me.
We all come from different backgrounds, religions, and cultures. We are lawyers, bankers, students, nurses, architects, writers, brothers, mothers, cousins, and so forth...
Some of us have been out since the age of fourteen and for some others it’s taken a bit longer. But our common thread is that we’ve all had to come out at one point or another.
“Coming out isn’t about being gay. That’s just who you are. Coming out is about being comfortable with being gay.” Adam a good-friend of mine summarized it best. “Straight men aren’t forced to face their sexuality head on like we have to. We have to be sure that we are ready to face the world. We never stop coming out.”
Once we’ve accepted and have come out to ourselves, then the hardest part follows; telling those around.
I came out nine years ago, but even before coming out I knew. My body never lied to me. I remember being in the locker room in the seventh grade and checking out all the sweaty boys after P.E. class. I knew it wasn’t “normal” to check out boys, because my Mexican-Catholic upbringing. I ended up lying to myself and pretend to like girls, but deep down I always knew that the feelings that I was having for boys was normal. Nine years later, I’ve fully accepted and have embraced who I am.
National Coming Out Day is on Saturday, October 11th, this is an international event which gives the LGBT community the opportunity to “come out” to others about their sexuality. The first National Coming Out Day was held on the same day in 1988. It was chosen for the annual event in commemoration of the 1987 March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights, in which 500,000 people marched on Washington D.C. for gay and lesbian equality. It also marks the anniversary of the first visit of the AIDS Memorial Quilt to Washington D.C.
My wonderful friends were generous to share their coming out stories with me. They also offer inspirational words for anyone who’s considering in coming out.
Travis a twenty-three year-old Computer Specialist was raised Mormon, but now he’s agnostic, this is his story…
It first happened when I went to my Stake President and had the Missionary interview. This was to be the last interview before turning in my papers to the head offices. He asked me the same question that I had heard my Bishop ask me, "Have you ever been involved in a gay relationship or supported a gay cause or felt that you were gay in anyway?" For some peculiar reason this came out of my mouth, "I thought I might have been." Naturally he didn't sign my papers. I got very upset and stormed out of his office. I had to tell my mom why my papers weren’t getting sent off. This was the first time she heard anything about me being gay. At that point, I told her that I knew I wasn't and wasn't sure why I had said that. I still wanted very, very badly to go on a Mission.
After a few more months of working with the Stake President and a psychologist, I had another interview and the papers went off, but they came back from the head office telling me that I couldn't go. A few months passed and one day over the phone, after wrestling with it, I told my mom that I was gay and was sure of it. I don't think that stuck with her until I moved back home and we went on a walk together and she brought it up. She told me that I was making a wrong choice and that I should really think about what I was doing. I have thought about this for three years and had nearly killed myself in the process, I told her. The way her beliefs work and because my father wasn't around, she felt the need to tell me that if I choose this I was going to hell. She said that she would never accept me for who I was, but would still love me. And she did just that. I wasn't kicked out of the home or given any less help and support when I was trying to recover my life. She stood by me the whole way.
Travis a twenty-three year-old Computer Specialist was raised Mormon, but now he’s agnostic, this is his story…
It first happened when I went to my Stake President and had the Missionary interview. This was to be the last interview before turning in my papers to the head offices. He asked me the same question that I had heard my Bishop ask me, "Have you ever been involved in a gay relationship or supported a gay cause or felt that you were gay in anyway?" For some peculiar reason this came out of my mouth, "I thought I might have been." Naturally he didn't sign my papers. I got very upset and stormed out of his office. I had to tell my mom why my papers weren’t getting sent off. This was the first time she heard anything about me being gay. At that point, I told her that I knew I wasn't and wasn't sure why I had said that. I still wanted very, very badly to go on a Mission.
After a few more months of working with the Stake President and a psychologist, I had another interview and the papers went off, but they came back from the head office telling me that I couldn't go. A few months passed and one day over the phone, after wrestling with it, I told my mom that I was gay and was sure of it. I don't think that stuck with her until I moved back home and we went on a walk together and she brought it up. She told me that I was making a wrong choice and that I should really think about what I was doing. I have thought about this for three years and had nearly killed myself in the process, I told her. The way her beliefs work and because my father wasn't around, she felt the need to tell me that if I choose this I was going to hell. She said that she would never accept me for who I was, but would still love me. And she did just that. I wasn't kicked out of the home or given any less help and support when I was trying to recover my life. She stood by me the whole way.
J.D. a twenty-year-old sophomore in Communication Studies had a different experience, this is his story…
Coming out was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was so afraid of rejection that I was willing to compromise my happiness to make others comfortable. After I came out, I felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Some people will accept you; they’re your true friends. Those who don’t don’t deserve to be part of your life.
The first person that I told was gay was my best friend Taylor. Her and I became very close friends in middle school. And I learned from spending time with her that she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. She loved everyone, and was my inspiration to come out. She always stayed true to herself, being the odd one in our group, but was never afraid to show her emotions, and didn’t apologize for doing so. We were fourteen when I told her that I was gay. She said, “…so? I thought it was something important.” I’ve always felt that she’s one of the greatest people in my life.
When I asked Miles and Charlie when they realized it was okay for them to be who they are this is what they had to say…
Miles: I don’t remember an exact moment of being okay with being gay, but I remember day after day wondering why God would make me this way if he didn’t want me to be this way, then thinking, “If God doesn’t like this, then fuck him. If being myself is wrong, then go ahead and send me to hell.” Those hard feeling eventually smoothed out into a healthier self-acceptance over the next few months.
Charlie: I think I’m fairly okay with it, but to this day I still have minute issues at times. Nothing TOO crazy, but I guess it just comes from the high school stereotype of “will I fit in if they know I’m gay.” I’m constantly proven that I WILL be accepted if I’m out; it’s just a force of habit I guess.
If you’re considering coming out, here’s advice from people who’ve been there…
Coming out was the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I was so afraid of rejection that I was willing to compromise my happiness to make others comfortable. After I came out, I felt like a gigantic weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Some people will accept you; they’re your true friends. Those who don’t don’t deserve to be part of your life.
The first person that I told was gay was my best friend Taylor. Her and I became very close friends in middle school. And I learned from spending time with her that she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. She loved everyone, and was my inspiration to come out. She always stayed true to herself, being the odd one in our group, but was never afraid to show her emotions, and didn’t apologize for doing so. We were fourteen when I told her that I was gay. She said, “…so? I thought it was something important.” I’ve always felt that she’s one of the greatest people in my life.
When I asked Miles and Charlie when they realized it was okay for them to be who they are this is what they had to say…
Miles: I don’t remember an exact moment of being okay with being gay, but I remember day after day wondering why God would make me this way if he didn’t want me to be this way, then thinking, “If God doesn’t like this, then fuck him. If being myself is wrong, then go ahead and send me to hell.” Those hard feeling eventually smoothed out into a healthier self-acceptance over the next few months.
Charlie: I think I’m fairly okay with it, but to this day I still have minute issues at times. Nothing TOO crazy, but I guess it just comes from the high school stereotype of “will I fit in if they know I’m gay.” I’m constantly proven that I WILL be accepted if I’m out; it’s just a force of habit I guess.
If you’re considering coming out, here’s advice from people who’ve been there…
* It takes a lot of strength. But it gets easier each time. Take things at your own speed and that the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. What other people think is completely irrelevant.
* Take your time; think about it, but most importantly TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT! Honey, we’re in 2008 and things have changed just from even five years ago. It’s okay to be gay. People WILL be okay with it. Besides, we’re a lot more fun.
* Worry about the family first. There are loads of people out there today who are excepting of who you are. You can get new friends, but you only have one family.
* Make sure you have some place safe to support you both physically and emotionally—and make sure that the support is not coming from some who wants to use you.
* Always be honest. Don’t try to lead a double life. It isn’t worth it and you’ll go insane. Honesty maybe hard at times and it make your situation look hopeless, but it is worth it in the end and you will have no guilty feelings for being honest and straightforward from the beginning.
*No matter what you believe, you only get to live THIS life once. There comes a point in your life when you have to say, “Am I going to spend my life living it for other people, or am I going to spend my life living it for me?”
Just be you. The best version of yourself. That’s all you can do. No matter what…
Just be you. The best version of yourself. That’s all you can do. No matter what…
Here's a link to the Human Rights Campaign - National Coming Out Day Video 2008
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