Stop Searching

I'm a romantic, unfortunately for me, romance and being gay don't go hand and hand. All the guys I meet, just want sex. Granted sex is amazing, and I'm not diminishing that, but really? Don't guys want more than just sex? Aren't guys looking for companionship anymore? Or maybe I'm looking in all the wrong venues. 

Another of my unfortunate flaws is that whenever I enter a situation, I find myself looking to see if I'm going to meet him, (him - being the guy who I'm going to end up with), and that's never a good thing to do. 

I have come to two conclusions today:

1) Prince Charming DOES NOT exist. I have to let go of that idea if I'm ever going to be truly happy. 

2) I'm going to STOP SEARCHING. I know that I say this time and time again, but this time, I mean it, I'm done looking. I honestly have to give up on the idea that I'll ever meet him, it isn't until I relinquish that, and I'm comfortable with the idea that I can possibly be alone for the rest of my life, that he'll come. (I can only hope). 

It's going to be a tough thing to do, to just stop searching because every stolen glance is a possibility. Every guy sitting next to me at Starbucks can be a chance to go on a date. But I have to do it, refocus my energy.

And if by chance, Prince Charming does in fact exist and you've stumbled across this blog, know that I'm patiently waiting for you, just don't wait too long.

 

'08: A Year In Reflection

This is my reflection on 2008 - the year of change for me. 

January: Spent the New Year in NY. I followed through one of my New Years resolutions which was to go to the gym. Began going with my buddy R. and continued through the end of the semester. I hurt someone's heart (not proud of it) and got my heart hurt by someone else.

February: Valentine's Day was spent in LA with my best-friend. Better than 07, alone in a hotel in Utah. Attended the American College Theatre Festival at Cal State LA because I had a one-act that was being work shopped and then a reading. While there, two deaths in my family occurred. Made me wonder how long we all have? 

March: My thesis show, "Freedom Deck" opened to mixed reviews. I learned the value of knowing what story I was writing. Rehearsals tested my friendship and collaboration with my friend S. but we came out stronger than when we went in.

April: The person who I was going to live with in NY changed her mind at the last minute. Built this blog site. Had two phone interviews with the Atlantic Theatre Company to be their Literary Intern, but nothing came of it. Idina Menzel's album "Brave" helped me through some tough times. My ten-minute play "Remains of December" got produced in the 10-Minute Play Festival, marking my last show at UNLV.

May: Graduated Grad School, a week later turned 26. Assisted Directed a production of "Romeo & Juliet" with the short-lived theatre company No Boundaries Theatre Company, that I created with six friends. Found a roommate and an apartment in Astoria through my friend A. Before departing Vegas, I did it up in style, by watching "Sex and the City" with my boys and dancing the night away at Krave. 

June: On the first of the month, I moved to New York City, making one of my dreams come true. I struggled for six weeks to find a job. My friend A. commissioned me to write a new juke-box musical with him. Rekindled a high school friendship with E. Worked Pride Parade, passing KY lube to all the gays. My cousins came to visit from Cali and Philly. 

July: Was loving NY, but cursing the humid heat. Got hired at the Puerto Rican Traveling Theatre (PRTT) through that job though I made some nice connections.

August: Went to Philadelphia for my cousin's daughter's baptism. Began reading all of Christopher Rice's novels.

September: At the end of the month, my temp job at the PRTT came to an end. Got hired with Champion Learning Center to tutor and Choice Hospitality hired me to cater. Met J. on the subway. 

October: A. and I began hanging out more because his boyfriend was on tour. My best-friend, friends from high school, and my parents all came to visit during the month. I met D. through my best-friend's husband and we became good-friends. My roommate M. left to Minneapolis, I singed the lease on our apartment, and I got a new roommate. I also joined the PRTT's Playwright's Unit.

November: The catering began to pick up and the tutoring was going well. Spent Thanksgiving in South Jersey with my cousins.

December: My grad professor nominated me for the PONY Fellowship at the Lark Theatre. J. left to Florida. Witnessed my first snow. Flew to California to spend Christmas, making it a year since I'd been back. 

I'm looking forward to what '09 has to offer. There's several good things on the horizon and couple of projects that need to be finished or started. I hope that this new year brings someone special to my life, I'm ready for it. 

Street (A Poem)

Yesterday while I was going through some old stuff that I've written I came across two poems that I wrote while I was a senior in college in 2004. Here's the first poem . . . 

STREET

The sunlight dries the damp streets in the Village

As the sound of the bus echoes

Surrounding the coldness of a winter's morning.

Gazing through the window of the seventh story

Walk up apartment, seeing the cars parked

Wondering every morning who drives them.

The smell of the coffee shop downstairs creeps

Through the open window, scoffing at me. I recall

All those childhood dreams I once possessed.

The wind slowly picks up, blowing the newspapers

Which surround the bodega on the corner.

The baby next door screeches louder than a marching band.

I ache to escape this life I'm leading, but somehow

Every time I've tried, I come back.

Am I addicted to the routine? Or am I just a masochist?

The sunlight dries the damp streets in the Village

As the sound of the bus echoes

Surrounding the coldness of a winter's morning.

A Dream

I had a dream last night . . . 

I was in a cave, glancing at my angel's face, wondering what we were doing there. 

"I have to leave you," he whispered.

And then he disappeared, leaving me alone in that dreary cave. 

I rushed after him in the darkness, not knowing where I was headed

I yelled, but it was pointless, I was alone. Alone again.

Exhaustion took over my limbs and I drifted into a long sleep.

I was awaken by a soft breeze that caressed my hair

I looked around and there were trees as tall as sky scrapers.

I wondered how long I'd been in this Forrest and how I got here. 

A voice called out to me. It was familiar, it was angelic, it was his. 

"You left me," I struggled to get out. "Alone in that cave." 

He smiled, "I would never leave you," he whispered in my ear, "For I will always be with you, in the darkest of caves, in the brightest of meadows. I will always be with you."

He kissed my forehead and glided off.

"I will always be with you," his words lingered in my head as I woke up this morning to the rain thumping against my window . . . "I will always be with you. . ."

A Crush

A crush can arise unexpectedly. It can creep at you while you're both walking down Ninth Avenue and you catch a glimpse of his smile; a smile you've never seen before, but that seems extremely familiar. 

A crush is receiving a text and wondering if it's wise to wait ten minutes to reply.

A crush is innocent . . . fresh . . . immaculate.

A crush can disappoint you without his acknowledgement.

A crush is only thinking about him when you're surrounded in a bar by attractive guys.

A crush can make you act neurotic.

A crush is someone who you dream about at night and the reason you wake up in the morning.

A crush is being able to recall a story from a previous conversation you had, proving you were listening.

A crush is someone who's eyes tell you more than what his lips say.

A crush is over analyzing a text for meaning and subtext.

A crush is something I haven't felt in awhile. 

And I'm scared . . .  scared to tell him . . . 

. . . scared that he won't feel the same way.

 

Do I risk the chance of losing him as a friend or risk the chance of gaining him as more than a friend?

A crush is hope . . . a hope I thought I'd buried deep down . . . 

"The Seagull" on Broadway

Last Wednesday, I had the opportunity to see Anton Chekhov's The Seagull with Kristin Scott Thomas and Peter Sarsgaard, directed by Ian Rickson. The Seagull has always been one of my favorite Chekhov plays and to have the opportunity to see it performed by a talented group of actors and an amazing direction was something I had to witness.

Close to the finale of the play, the character of Nina tells Treplev (also referred to as Kostya) that she finally understands what it is to be an actress. 

Nina: I know now, I understand Kostya, that in our work - and it's all the same, whether we're acting or writing - the main thing is not fame, not glory, the things I dreamed about, but the ability to endure. To endure whatever trials fate has in store for you without losing faith in yourself. I have that faith now, I don't feel as much pain, and when I remember my vocation, I'm not even afraid of life.          (Chekhov, Act IV)  

To endure . . .  that's what life is about. I'm glad that I was reminded of that while watching The Seagull. "To endure whatever trials fate has in store for you without losing faith in yourself." This is something that as artists we need to remind ourselves constantly.  

Subway Etiquette: 5 Simple Rules

All New Yorkers have to ride the subway to get to any place in the city. At times though, it feels that people forget their subway etiquette, so here are 5 Simple Rules to refresh anyone's memory on what to do when riding the subway.

Rule 1:

While listening to your iPOD keep the volume down & don't hum along to the song. That's why you're wearing headphones, so we don't have to listen to it.

Rule 2:

If a performer comes on to your car, don't tap your foot in enjoyment, unless you're willing to pay. And they'll expect money for their entertainment.

Rule 3:

Always offer your seat to an elderly person and/or a woman with a child and a stroller.

Rule 4:

When the doors open and a million people are trying to get in, if you happen to be standing by the doors, please move in! Stop crowding the door, it's rude!

Rule 5:

If you don't want to give up your seat, put on your headphones and act like your sleeping. (Unless this violates Rule 3.)

If all New Yorkers were to follow these simple rules, our subway riding experience would be more enjoyable!