V.Day

Valentine's Day is this Saturday. I'm not thrilled about it. I'm dateless once again. All my single friends have somehow or other found a date. I mean, I can say I blame them, who wants to be alone on Valentine's Day? Not me.

While riding the subway two nights ago, I asked my friend D. what his plans were for Saturday night, in a casually-brushing-it-off-kind-of-way he said, "oh I think I might have a date." 

Something came over me and I snapped, "You think or you know?" 

"I don't know...I just don't want to talk about it right now..." He was being extremely secretive with me. All I kept thinking was dude, just tell me that you have a date, I don't care. I just want to know if I should count on hanging out with you on Saturday night or not. But he just dropped it and it made me angrier.

Last night, I was telling my friend A. the conversation I had with D. and he asked, "why do you put so much emphasis on this holiday?" 

"Maybe I just expected since it was my first Valentine's day in New York I would spend it with someone." I replied. "And  all my previous Valentine's day I passed them alone, I thought this year would be different, I guess I was wrong."

He stared at me with this I-don't-know-what-to-tell-you-look, like figure it out. I think people who have been in a relationship for for years, can't seem to grasp the concept of being alone anymore. 'Cause why would they, they have someone to call, who thinks about them and puts them first. I want that. I really do. I'm tired of being single. That's why I'm hyper-sensitive about Valentine's Day, because I already know that I'm single, I don't need a special day in February to be remind that I'm single.

I'm just lonely, what can I say. It's been sometime since a guy that I liked, liked me back. I just long for the touch of a guy; to be hugged by him, to be kissed by him, to be loved by him. I know it's not to much to ask for, but apparently it seems that it might be. 

I'll get over it. I normally do. It's just that time of the month, I guess you can say...  

The Roles We Play in this Game Called Life

All of us whether we know it or not play roles in our daily lives. Some of those roles are given to us by birth; we are either son or daughter. Some roles we chose in our path of life; we become a husband, a wife, a doctor, an artist. Other roles are appointed to us whether we know it or not, by our characteristics as a person. The latter is the role that I'm starting to discover I'm disliking.

The role that people have often referred to describe me has been, "Oscar's cute (not hot), funny (not clever), and a really fashionable (not a trendsetter) guy." I've never really had a problem with this role, I have always embraced it. It started to bother me when I moved to New York and encountering gay men who are either funnier, more fashionable, and cuter than me. I think that I might be going through an identity crisis...like they all have my role? What do I do now? Who am I?

How do we break out of these roles if this is all we've ever known? Can we break from them at any point? Do we have the liberty to do that? Or are we doomed to play them for the rest of our lives? Until we discover another role that we fit better.

The other facet of my cute, funny, fashionable role is when meeting guys who I see as potential boyfriends, they tend to see me as just a "friend". And I fit the role of the "friend" like an old pair of gloves; I'm always reliable, I give great advice, partly because I'm a great listener. In some ways I'm to blame; it's my defense mechanism. When I meet a guy that I really like and I start to notice that he's leading more into the friendship realm, I never really let him know how I feel because I fear that he may not feel the same way, whether that's true or not. I'm just afraid to get hurt. But who isn't right? 

So why don't I just accept this role and move on? Because I want another role, the role of both boyfriend and friend; when a guy can see me as both roles, it'll be a great day.

Thoughts

Things seem the same.

I'm trying desperately to grasp on to a future I know nothing of.

Wondering when will I get my chance, at anything really.

Pondering the time when things were different, better in fact,

(Are the lies I tell myself to get me through a sleepless night).

Friends depend on me for the truth, but who do I depend on for my truth?

I'm slowly discovering that the only person that you can rely on is yourself, anything or anyone else are just mere distractions of the reality that we are in fact alone.

My thoughts are mixed in a stewing pot of anticipation,

That something better is arriving.

But as I sit and wait, I get anxious and wonder;

How long can I wait...?

Can I endure what's to come...? 

How bad do I want it...?

Is this something for me...

...and if so, how long am I willing to take the punches that life throws at me?

I'm just tired of waiting...

...waiting for something...anything...

...just waiting...

Stop Searching

I'm a romantic, unfortunately for me, romance and being gay don't go hand and hand. All the guys I meet, just want sex. Granted sex is amazing, and I'm not diminishing that, but really? Don't guys want more than just sex? Aren't guys looking for companionship anymore? Or maybe I'm looking in all the wrong venues. 

Another of my unfortunate flaws is that whenever I enter a situation, I find myself looking to see if I'm going to meet him, (him - being the guy who I'm going to end up with), and that's never a good thing to do. 

I have come to two conclusions today:

1) Prince Charming DOES NOT exist. I have to let go of that idea if I'm ever going to be truly happy. 

2) I'm going to STOP SEARCHING. I know that I say this time and time again, but this time, I mean it, I'm done looking. I honestly have to give up on the idea that I'll ever meet him, it isn't until I relinquish that, and I'm comfortable with the idea that I can possibly be alone for the rest of my life, that he'll come. (I can only hope). 

It's going to be a tough thing to do, to just stop searching because every stolen glance is a possibility. Every guy sitting next to me at Starbucks can be a chance to go on a date. But I have to do it, refocus my energy.

And if by chance, Prince Charming does in fact exist and you've stumbled across this blog, know that I'm patiently waiting for you, just don't wait too long.

 

'08: A Year In Reflection

This is my reflection on 2008 - the year of change for me. 

January: Spent the New Year in NY. I followed through one of my New Years resolutions which was to go to the gym. Began going with my buddy R. and continued through the end of the semester. I hurt someone's heart (not proud of it) and got my heart hurt by someone else.

February: Valentine's Day was spent in LA with my best-friend. Better than 07, alone in a hotel in Utah. Attended the American College Theatre Festival at Cal State LA because I had a one-act that was being work shopped and then a reading. While there, two deaths in my family occurred. Made me wonder how long we all have? 

March: My thesis show, "Freedom Deck" opened to mixed reviews. I learned the value of knowing what story I was writing. Rehearsals tested my friendship and collaboration with my friend S. but we came out stronger than when we went in.

April: The person who I was going to live with in NY changed her mind at the last minute. Built this blog site. Had two phone interviews with the Atlantic Theatre Company to be their Literary Intern, but nothing came of it. Idina Menzel's album "Brave" helped me through some tough times. My ten-minute play "Remains of December" got produced in the 10-Minute Play Festival, marking my last show at UNLV.

May: Graduated Grad School, a week later turned 26. Assisted Directed a production of "Romeo & Juliet" with the short-lived theatre company No Boundaries Theatre Company, that I created with six friends. Found a roommate and an apartment in Astoria through my friend A. Before departing Vegas, I did it up in style, by watching "Sex and the City" with my boys and dancing the night away at Krave. 

June: On the first of the month, I moved to New York City, making one of my dreams come true. I struggled for six weeks to find a job. My friend A. commissioned me to write a new juke-box musical with him. Rekindled a high school friendship with E. Worked Pride Parade, passing KY lube to all the gays. My cousins came to visit from Cali and Philly. 

July: Was loving NY, but cursing the humid heat. Got hired at the Puerto Rican Traveling Theatre (PRTT) through that job though I made some nice connections.

August: Went to Philadelphia for my cousin's daughter's baptism. Began reading all of Christopher Rice's novels.

September: At the end of the month, my temp job at the PRTT came to an end. Got hired with Champion Learning Center to tutor and Choice Hospitality hired me to cater. Met J. on the subway. 

October: A. and I began hanging out more because his boyfriend was on tour. My best-friend, friends from high school, and my parents all came to visit during the month. I met D. through my best-friend's husband and we became good-friends. My roommate M. left to Minneapolis, I singed the lease on our apartment, and I got a new roommate. I also joined the PRTT's Playwright's Unit.

November: The catering began to pick up and the tutoring was going well. Spent Thanksgiving in South Jersey with my cousins.

December: My grad professor nominated me for the PONY Fellowship at the Lark Theatre. J. left to Florida. Witnessed my first snow. Flew to California to spend Christmas, making it a year since I'd been back. 

I'm looking forward to what '09 has to offer. There's several good things on the horizon and couple of projects that need to be finished or started. I hope that this new year brings someone special to my life, I'm ready for it. 

Street (A Poem)

Yesterday while I was going through some old stuff that I've written I came across two poems that I wrote while I was a senior in college in 2004. Here's the first poem . . . 

STREET

The sunlight dries the damp streets in the Village

As the sound of the bus echoes

Surrounding the coldness of a winter's morning.

Gazing through the window of the seventh story

Walk up apartment, seeing the cars parked

Wondering every morning who drives them.

The smell of the coffee shop downstairs creeps

Through the open window, scoffing at me. I recall

All those childhood dreams I once possessed.

The wind slowly picks up, blowing the newspapers

Which surround the bodega on the corner.

The baby next door screeches louder than a marching band.

I ache to escape this life I'm leading, but somehow

Every time I've tried, I come back.

Am I addicted to the routine? Or am I just a masochist?

The sunlight dries the damp streets in the Village

As the sound of the bus echoes

Surrounding the coldness of a winter's morning.

A Dream

I had a dream last night . . . 

I was in a cave, glancing at my angel's face, wondering what we were doing there. 

"I have to leave you," he whispered.

And then he disappeared, leaving me alone in that dreary cave. 

I rushed after him in the darkness, not knowing where I was headed

I yelled, but it was pointless, I was alone. Alone again.

Exhaustion took over my limbs and I drifted into a long sleep.

I was awaken by a soft breeze that caressed my hair

I looked around and there were trees as tall as sky scrapers.

I wondered how long I'd been in this Forrest and how I got here. 

A voice called out to me. It was familiar, it was angelic, it was his. 

"You left me," I struggled to get out. "Alone in that cave." 

He smiled, "I would never leave you," he whispered in my ear, "For I will always be with you, in the darkest of caves, in the brightest of meadows. I will always be with you."

He kissed my forehead and glided off.

"I will always be with you," his words lingered in my head as I woke up this morning to the rain thumping against my window . . . "I will always be with you. . ."